Friday, June 22, 2012

I really miss you

Ive re-read the blog a number of times now.  Some of the posts bring me back to when I was sitting right beside you.  I talk to you everyday, in hopes that you are listening.  In hopes that, in some way, you will give me a sign and point me in the right direction.  I've lost my best friend, the one person I confided in the most, the one person, who knew me better than I know myself.  I haven't cancelled your cell phone yet, and I call it just to hear your beautiful voice.  I don't cry everyday anymore but just usually in my car randomly on a day that I thought I felt fine.  I use Isomers cream on my face and think that you would want me to continue using it so I don't get wrinkles.  I don't know what to do with your stuff.  Because now it's just stuff and even though I know you loved all of it...I don't know what to do with it.  I think I'm supposed to send thank you cards to all the people who were so good to us after you passed but I can't bring myself to send them or even finish writing them.  I hate that my thoughts and memories of you are sick ones and I wait for the day that I can remember you without thinking of Toronto Western hospital and all those stupid brain surgeons.  I wait for the day that I can drive past that hospital without my heart starting to race and thinking of all the things I should of said, would have done differently.  I find myself searching your Facebook page or reading through emails I received from you.  We had such a lovely life together.  I know you wouldn't want me to continue being sad and I know you want me to be okay and for the most part I am.  I just hate that your gone.  I miss your laugh, your voice, your hello, your good mornings, your drive safely's.   I miss your planning and dinners at our house, I miss your phone calls and our plans, I miss your smile and your sound advice.  I miss your stories and your hugs and cuddles.  I miss you so much it hurts.  I hate how certain people have been ridiculously judgemental, so much so that I wonder if anyone was that judgemental of them when they lost someone very dear to them, you were never judgemental.
I hate cancer and what it did to us.  I hate that you had to suffer so much, I hate that I had to make the decision to sedate you because the pain was too much, I hate that you died right beside me and I couldn't do a god damn thing to change the result.  I hate that I think I'm okay and I know I'm not.  I cry knowing that I'm killing the orchid that Jane, Bob, Sherri and the team and MAD bought for your funeral, every time a flower falls off I think of you and how you would have kept it alive.  I hate that I still don't know how to make some of your best recipes because you were going to teach me and we never got the chance.  I hate that cancer invaded our lives in such a way that I feel like someone stole you from me. I hate crying all the time.  I hate when people say time will make it better and to give time some time.   Time doesn't change a thing, maybe you just learn how to deal with it a bit better but right now it's hard to see this getting any easier.  Sometimes when I think of you, a tingle runs through my body and I know you are sitting right there next to me, so maybe that is all I can hold on to.  A tingle, a feeling like maybe I am not completely alone.
I love you mummy....and I miss you like crazy.
Love you always

1 comment:

  1. Keryn, I miss her so much too. I read her Facebook profile too and her emails to remind me of her advice, her encouragement and her stories. I wish there was a way to freeze or turn back time. My heart aches all the time but I am always reminded of her when I see a heart or fireworks! Every valentines, I won't think of one less valentines without her, I will think one more valentines closer to when we can see each other again! We can celebrate the time we were blessed to spend with her and all of the wonderful things she has taught us. Love you so much! Xoxo