Ive re-read the blog a number of times now. Some of the posts bring me back to when I was sitting right beside you. I talk to you everyday, in hopes that you are listening. In hopes that, in some way, you will give me a sign and point me in the right direction. I've lost my best friend, the one person I confided in the most, the one person, who knew me better than I know myself. I haven't cancelled your cell phone yet, and I call it just to hear your beautiful voice. I don't cry everyday anymore but just usually in my car randomly on a day that I thought I felt fine. I use Isomers cream on my face and think that you would want me to continue using it so I don't get wrinkles. I don't know what to do with your stuff. Because now it's just stuff and even though I know you loved all of it...I don't know what to do with it. I think I'm supposed to send thank you cards to all the people who were so good to us after you passed but I can't bring myself to send them or even finish writing them. I hate that my thoughts and memories of you are sick ones and I wait for the day that I can remember you without thinking of Toronto Western hospital and all those stupid brain surgeons. I wait for the day that I can drive past that hospital without my heart starting to race and thinking of all the things I should of said, would have done differently. I find myself searching your Facebook page or reading through emails I received from you. We had such a lovely life together. I know you wouldn't want me to continue being sad and I know you want me to be okay and for the most part I am. I just hate that your gone. I miss your laugh, your voice, your hello, your good mornings, your drive safely's. I miss your planning and dinners at our house, I miss your phone calls and our plans, I miss your smile and your sound advice. I miss your stories and your hugs and cuddles. I miss you so much it hurts. I hate how certain people have been ridiculously judgemental, so much so that I wonder if anyone was that judgemental of them when they lost someone very dear to them, you were never judgemental.
I hate cancer and what it did to us. I hate that you had to suffer so much, I hate that I had to make the decision to sedate you because the pain was too much, I hate that you died right beside me and I couldn't do a god damn thing to change the result. I hate that I think I'm okay and I know I'm not. I cry knowing that I'm killing the orchid that Jane, Bob, Sherri and the team and MAD bought for your funeral, every time a flower falls off I think of you and how you would have kept it alive. I hate that I still don't know how to make some of your best recipes because you were going to teach me and we never got the chance. I hate that cancer invaded our lives in such a way that I feel like someone stole you from me. I hate crying all the time. I hate when people say time will make it better and to give time some time. Time doesn't change a thing, maybe you just learn how to deal with it a bit better but right now it's hard to see this getting any easier. Sometimes when I think of you, a tingle runs through my body and I know you are sitting right there next to me, so maybe that is all I can hold on to. A tingle, a feeling like maybe I am not completely alone.
I love you mummy....and I miss you like crazy.
XOXO
Love you always
Keryn
