Just a thought.

The expression “everything happens for a reason” annoys and upsets some people because it suggests that our path is predetermined and that The Fates or God is in charge of our life. The idea that my beautiful, perfect, angelic mum is terminally ill with cancer, is meant-to-be is frustrating and unfair; but the reality of it is that we have no control over our outside world. So I choose to think “in everything I have to find my own reason”. Instead of asking “why did this happen to me?” I ask myself “What positive thing can I find in this?” By focusing on the positive of any situation (and trust me if you look hard enough you’ll find it) I help keep myself positive and happy.

I still remember what the lady at Wellspring said to me when we went into to get some help after mum's initial diagnosis.  I told her that I was upset because this massive unfairness in our lives has changed me indefinitely and that I would never be the same again.  She told me that we have not changed as a family nor have we changed as people...we are still the exact same as we were before all of this entered our life...the only thing that has changed has been our
situation...I wasn't planning on sharing this picture but it's just how we felt at the time.  We've had lots of laughs since this time....

The good wouldn’t be as sweet without the bitterness of the bad. You go through the tough times to strengthen you for the excruciating ones to come. It’s in experiencing these tough times where you will truly be able to live with gratitude for what you have that is good.

“Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.”

~Bob Marley

Sleeping Beauties!

I walked in mum's room only to find this little moment of pure peace.

California

A few years ago while I was still working with Four Seasons Hotel group I was sent to Aviara to attend a conference for sales managers.  I decided to invite mum along with me to the conference where she could hang out at the hotel, eat in the restaurants, sit by the pool and enjoy some time with beautiful surroundings while I did the 4 day seminar.  Typically Four Seasons allows your spouse to come with you to things like this but considering I didn't have a spouse, I figured my mum was a perfect alternative.  (I didn't even ask permission)

The plan was after the seminar was finished that we would rent a convertible and drive up the coast from Aviara to San Francisco and stay at as many Four Seasons Hotels as we could.  We did just that and had the most amazing time together.  It was truly a wonderful holiday.  We did everything that we both loved to do.  We shopped and ate good food, toured all the cities that we visited and drove that fancy red mustang convertible.  We stopped along the way to take in the beautiful scenery, and ate fish cakes and seafood at local seaside restaurants.  We found this fantastic outdoor outlet mall and spent hours looking in all the stores.  I navigated while she drove and we laughed a lot and created great memories that we now talk about a lot.

We've been on many trips together, New York, Nevis (West Indies), California, Florida, Las Vegas, Montreal and quite a number of trips across the border for shopping in Buffalo.  I just feel lucky that we got to share these great times together then so that we can talk about them now.

We had the loveliest dinner this night at a restaurant in Santa Barbara overlooking the ocean wearing all of our new clothes we bought at the Outlet Mall.  

Mum infront of one of my favourite trees...which I dubbed...the tree of live.

A Post From Auntie Susie...

A very wise woman told me, love your children,
tell them they are smart, beautiful, important and the world is their oyster.
That is one of the many pearls of wisdom Nancy has taught me.
As our incredibly hopeful, heartbreaking, sad and very scary journey continues
I have witnesses what smart, beautiful, brilliant, devoted and loving children my sister has given us.
I lovingly watch with admiration as Keryn and Ryan never leave their mum's side day or night.
Keryn, who we fondly refer to as Nurse Cratchet is really the angel nurse knowing

what Nance needs even before she asks for anything.  A gentle hug, words of encouragement,
a warm facecloth, a silly story, a snuggle, a liaison or just Keryn being Keryn.
Loving, kind, thoughtful, strong, funny, in charge and above all,

she expresses a kind of love and commitment only a very special daughter has with her mom.
Our dear sweet boy Ryan, he is our rock, slow and steady wins the race.

He is kind and loving but tough when he needs to be.

He works with Nance to build up her legs so we can run, not walk out of the hospital.

He stays all night and watches over her while she sleeps and assures Nancy that

Keryn knows what to do and so does he.

Although Ryan is our quiet boy, his heart speaks volumes about the love and commitment he has for his mom.

I love Keryn and Ryan with all my heart and I am proud to be Auntie Susie.

And here is the bud of the bud in this tree called life.

Nancy is proudest to be a Mom who is loved unconditionally by two of the most amazing,

smart, beautiful and important kids, Keryn and Ryan

Love you (Nancy)

Love you More (Keryn and Ryan)

Not Possible (Nancy)

Love

Auntie Suz 

& 

Mom

Transferred!

We were told today at 1PM that mum was on a waiting list for a bed at Princess Margaret hospital but that beds often take a while to secure.   By 6PM tonight they had found a bed and mum was transferred by ambulance to PMH.  Here she will recover from her most recent surgery and we will meet with the radiation oncologist on Monday morning to determine when radiation will start.

This is a good thing.  The Neurosurgeons at TWH will follow her progress and believe that it is in her best interest to begin whole brain radiation as soon as possible.  We are happy about the speediness of this transfer and of course like anything else in this journey apprehensive of the next phase of treatment.

Mum has been in pretty good spirits.  She certainly does want to go home but maybe being moved to PMH will at least allow her to realize that she is that much closer to going home and be a change of scenery for all of us.  I was getting really sick of Toronto Western.

Any questions, please feel free to call me.  Of course if I don't answer right away, just leave a message and I will call back.

Looking forward to seeing many of you and thanks again for your ongoing support.

XO
Keryn
PS - Happy Ukranian/Russian Christmas.

"Not Possible"

I've started this post about 15 times now.  Not quite sure how to begin so I'll just take a stab at few things.

Nurses in general are truly special people, male nurses however have continued to surprise me with their gentle strength and calm, caring nature.  We have had such amazing nurses that mum talks about long after their shift is over.  Thank you to Nadia, Marcia, Anne, Sean, Sean 2, Hank, Zania, Rose Marie, Sheila, Beverly, Trishia, Jennifer, Rihanne, Eva, Trudy, Daisy, Connie...all of them.  So amazing at what they do!  

Neurosurgeons also tend to amaze me...in strange ways.  They slip in at the exact moment right before we get to the hospital or when you run down to get a coffee, and they are gone in the blink of an eye.  Very busy folks and hard to track down.  Masters at the art of deflecting questions so you really don't feel like you know anything more than before they arrived.

Mum's neurosurgeon today is a big burly guy, young, but senior in his role.  He has the most personality and bedside manner out of all of them in my opinion.  He's positive and kinda loud and boisterous and for some reason I trust him.  He came in today and told us that unfortunately the shunt that was put in on January 1 would have to be re-done.  Not the whole thing but just the brain part.  Of course...just the brain part.  

I found myself in a familiar place at 1PM sitting with mum in pre-op waiting for her 4th brain surgery/procedure/operation since November 24.  God willing her last.  

As always, she came out of it just fine.  The Doctors didn't have great news after the surgery, but not all bad either.  It's a hurry up and wait game...and the waiting continues.

There is a possibility that Mum will start radiation next week and be transferred daily to PMH to have the 1 hour of treatment over the course of 10 days.  We are waiting to find out when that starts.

As for Nance...she is doing well.  She looks good, with lots of colour in her face and beautiful skin.  She asked me today "how do you cope with all this Keryn?  Because it's a pain in the ass".   I responded "with lots of hope and because it's what you would do for me".  "Oh okay" she said.  

Ryan works with her to build strength back in her legs and she told me that "Ryan knows how to do it best".  Thank goodness for Ryan.

I still read her emails that you have all sent and we go back and read the blog.  The other day we watched an episode of Mad Men together.

Suz lovingly calls her sister "Evil Twin Twoozie" because my mum seems to do everything is 2's.

Nancy had 2 kids, buys most clothing or pairs of shoes twice, has two ice cream makers, and believe it or not has 2 crazy christmas hats amongst many other things.  So it's not really surprising (and kind of makes us laugh) that she has had 2 lumbar punctures (both awful), 2 shunt operations, 2 sterile hats that she's had to wear.  Evil Twin Twoozie strikes again.

And forget hospital food.  Suz will call us at the hospital and get Mum's dinner order.  Typically Salmon with Lemon Beurre Blanc and Couscous and always brings something yummy for dessert.  Often Ryan, Jenn and I (even Erin) will enjoy the left overs.  It's pretty cute.

So all in all, it was an eventful day.  Better days tomorrow.  Take the good with the bad.  Celebrate the good times, hold on during the not soo good ones.  I'll end off tonight by a saying that my mum has always said to me and continues to do so through this entire time...enjoy and goodnight.

Keryn:  I love you

Nancy:  I love you more

Keryn:  No, I love you more

Nancy:  Not possible

A very personal note from Ian . . .

The hours click by so slowly and one day blurs into another . . . 

I was in my car on the way to get groceries when the musical tone signalling a call from Nancy’s iPhone rang. It was Nancy asking me where I was. After confirming that I was not able to talk, she said “Call me” and hung up. My stomach turned to ice and I turned the car around and went back to the condo. A quick call and the worst fears were confirmed. Late stage kidney cancer . . .

What has ensued since that awful day has been a mixture of sadness, elation and an improbable celebration of the true depth of the human spirit. I have witnessed first hand what it means to have a family, and what a family this is! They have supported and rallied around her in a way that I could never have imagined personally. Keryn’s beautiful blog will have given you an insight already to this, but to me it has been a revelation. There is always somebody at the hospital. There is always food, drinks, laughter and tears. There is always somebody to smile, hug and express amazement at our dear Nancy’s strength and will at fighting every new setback that seems to come daily. I’m truly humbled that events came about so that I could become part of this amazing family, and every day I thank the Guardian Angel whose guidance arranged that fateful meeting with Nancy all those wonderful years ago and resulted in our marriage two years ago. The time I’ve spent with Nancy has been the happiest of my life and with Nancy’s spirit and new medical advancements, I’m now certain that there will be many more.

Below is a photo of a small stand with a pair of Nancy’s shoes on top, to remind me of her every hour of the day.

They will stay there until she walks into the condo by herself, and walks out wearing them . . .

Loving husband and soulmate . . .

Ian

Movin' on up...to the 5th floor that is

Nancy was transferred yesterday out of the Neuro Critical Care Unit yesterday and she is now back up on the 5th floor in the same ward we were in the first go around.  We know many of the nurses and they know us.  It's truly a relief because now we can focus on getting her moving around again and we are one step closer to getting her home.

Dr. Bernstein decided to internalize the cranial cathadar on Sunday.  This procedure, called a Cerebral Shunt takes approx. 3 hours and includes inserting a very thin tube from the ventricles in the brain down into the abdominal cavity which the fluid would then be reabsorbed by her body.  We were so happy see see her on Sunday night with no sterile hat and a lot less tubes.

Right now she is very sleepy, which is pretty normal as she went through a period where she wouldn't sleep at all.  Her body needs rest and recovery time in order to feel better.  She really has been through the ringer with everything in a very short period of time, so this is to be expected.

Ryan and I have a day shift and a night shift and we rotate so that she is very rarely alone along with an awesome network of friends and family who have been very supportive.

I will keep on updating as we move forward with recovery and treatment.

XOXO
Keryn