A grave marker

Rest in Peace 

Nancy Lynne Lyon

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.

When I come to the end of the road

And the sun has set for me

I want no tears in a gloom-filled room

Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little-but not too long

And not with your head bowed low

Remember the love that we once shared

Miss me-but let me go

For this is a journey that we all must take

And each must go alone.

It's all part of the Master's plan

A step on the road to home

When you are lonely and sick of heart

Go to the friends we know

And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds

Miss me but let me go.

Ashes to Ashes

We buried your ashes on Friday December 7, 2012 surrounded by our family.  We buried your ashes with one of your beautiful scarfs that still smelled of you.

Jenn helped me read the following tribute to you that morning....


"I have fought a good fight.  I have finished my course.  I have kept my faith.  The soul that suffers is stronger that the soul that rejoices.  Her mission on earth fulfilled.  Everyone's life is a plan of God.  
Step softly a dream lies buried here.  To act justly, to laugh tenderly, and to walk humbly.  Life is a voyage that is homeward bound.  Step softly for an angel lies here.

Step lightly a dream lies here, Nancy dream, a dream where love never ends and love never dies.  All the impertinent things like sickness and death, grief and pain will eventually pass away leaving only love to remain.
I have found it difficult in the past 9 months to remember our mom, our Nancy in fond loving memories as the sick memories prevailed and were far to close to the surface for too long.

As we bury your ashes here today, let us also bury the sick memories.  We will replace them in our hearts with only the wonderful memories that we have all shared together.
Memories of you as a mother, daughter, as a sister, an aunt, as a wife and as a very true friend.
For those of are the memories I would like to carry with me.

So today we bury your ashes along with the memories of cancer.  The memories of Toronto Western Hospital and Princess Margaret Hospital.
Today we bury the memories of stupid brain surgeons, chemotherapy drugs and radiation.

For I know you would not want us to remember you like that.

From this day forward only the good shall remain.  Only your wisdom and loving nature, only your sound advice and your warm embraces, only your laughter and your calming words.

Today we will close the chapter on grieving to allow only your love into our hearts and into our souls.
To be able to move forward to live a life that you would be proud of for all of us.

For this here, is only your physical being, as your spirit lies in all of us, directing us where to go when we feel lost.
I pray for love and I pray for peace and I pray that no one ever has to feel like we have since you've been gone.

As we remember my mum, our Nancy.  I only wish that we can continue to share our stores of how she touched our lives.
Let us celebrate Nancy life by always telling these stories.  Let love be the story that we carry forward from this place.

I ask you now to close your eyes and imagine that we are all at the sea shore.  It's a place that my mother always loved, she even bought books about it.
I want you to imagine that we are all standing upon the sea shore, the warm wind at our face and the smell of sea salt in the air.  There is a ship at our side, she spreads her her beautiful while sails in the morning breeze and starts off to the blue blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and of strength.  We stand and watch until at last she hangs like a spec of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other.
And someone whispers "there she goes".  Gone where?  Gone from our sight, that is all for she will always be with us in spirit.  And just at that moment when someone said "there she goes" there are other eyes watching her, like guardian angels.  The eyes of Nana and Papa, the eyes of her father, of Joan and Budd, Susan Cross and Dean and everyone who has gone before us.  For they are saying "Here She Comes', and welcoming her with warm embrace.

Mummy I think of you everyday.  Sometimes, if I am lucky enough I see you in my dreams.  Sometimes all I feel is a slight tingle or shiver down my spine and if I stop and pay attention I realize that you haven't gone that far at all.  So please...step lightly for an angel lies buried here.  Rest in peace my dear mum.
We love you always."

Now there is a physical place that we all can go when we feel like you are too far away.  Although we carry your heart and your spirit inside of all of us.
There are two lovely wreaths marking your grave site right now as we wait for the tombstone to be ready.  There is also a little part of you in the Angel on top of the Christmas Tree that we all helped decorate.  We thought you would like it up there for a while.

Love you.

I really miss you

Ive re-read the blog a number of times now.  Some of the posts bring me back to when I was sitting right beside you.  I talk to you everyday, in hopes that you are listening.  In hopes that, in some way, you will give me a sign and point me in the right direction.  I've lost my best friend, the one person I confided in the most, the one person, who knew me better than I know myself.  I haven't cancelled your cell phone yet, and I call it just to hear your beautiful voice.  I don't cry everyday anymore but just usually in my car randomly on a day that I thought I felt fine.  I use Isomers cream on my face and think that you would want me to continue using it so I don't get wrinkles.  I don't know what to do with your stuff.  Because now it's just stuff and even though I know you loved all of it...I don't know what to do with it.  I think I'm supposed to send thank you cards to all the people who were so good to us after you passed but I can't bring myself to send them or even finish writing them.  I hate that my thoughts and memories of you are sick ones and I wait for the day that I can remember you without thinking of Toronto Western hospital and all those stupid brain surgeons.  I wait for the day that I can drive past that hospital without my heart starting to race and thinking of all the things I should of said, would have done differently.  I find myself searching your Facebook page or reading through emails I received from you.  We had such a lovely life together.  I know you wouldn't want me to continue being sad and I know you want me to be okay and for the most part I am.  I just hate that your gone.  I miss your laugh, your voice, your hello, your good mornings, your drive safely's.   I miss your planning and dinners at our house, I miss your phone calls and our plans, I miss your smile and your sound advice.  I miss your stories and your hugs and cuddles.  I miss you so much it hurts.  I hate how certain people have been ridiculously judgemental, so much so that I wonder if anyone was that judgemental of them when they lost someone very dear to them, you were never judgemental.
I hate cancer and what it did to us.  I hate that you had to suffer so much, I hate that I had to make the decision to sedate you because the pain was too much, I hate that you died right beside me and I couldn't do a god damn thing to change the result.  I hate that I think I'm okay and I know I'm not.  I cry knowing that I'm killing the orchid that Jane, Bob, Sherri and the team and MAD bought for your funeral, every time a flower falls off I think of you and how you would have kept it alive.  I hate that I still don't know how to make some of your best recipes because you were going to teach me and we never got the chance.  I hate that cancer invaded our lives in such a way that I feel like someone stole you from me. I hate crying all the time.  I hate when people say time will make it better and to give time some time.   Time doesn't change a thing, maybe you just learn how to deal with it a bit better but right now it's hard to see this getting any easier.  Sometimes when I think of you, a tingle runs through my body and I know you are sitting right there next to me, so maybe that is all I can hold on to.  A tingle, a feeling like maybe I am not completely alone.
I love you mummy....and I miss you like crazy.
XOXO
Love you always
Keryn

Donations

In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to The Palliative Care Unit at Princess Margaret Hospital.

Princess Margaret Hospital
care of: Palliative Pacers Fund

My mum loved flowers and told me that she wanted lots at her funeral and we have made sure that this is going to happen thanks for her loving friends at MADD - Jane, Sherri and Robert.
Thank you from the bottom of our hearts!
XO

Nancy Lynne Lyon

The world seems a lot less brighter to me these days

I know the sun will come out again

Though nothing will ever really be the same

I miss you so much already
XOXO

NANCY LYON (nee OLSEN) August 12, 1949 - February 14, 2012 Passed away peacefully the morning of February 14, 2012with her family by her side. Loving mother of Keryn and Ryan. Precious daughter of Beatrice. Beloved wife of Ian. Missed by her sister Susan, brothers Richard and Wayne and nieces and nephews. Visitation to be held at PINE HILLS CEMETERY & VISITATION CENTRE, 625 Birchmount Rd., Scarborough (north of St. Clair Ave., 416-267-8229) on Thursday, February 16th from 2-4 p.m. and 7-9 p.m. A Celebration of Nancy's Life will take place in the Pine Hills Memorial Chapel on Friday, February 17th at 1 p.m. Forever our Valentine, always in our hearts and souls. Love forever.

Connie...

Mum has many friends, lovely and kind people who have been very supportive through this journey.  Her friend Connie send me a beautiful note that I wanted to share.  (I did ask permission before posting).  Thank you again to all of you for your kind words, gestures and support you have all offered time and time again.

I took a little break from the blog for a while, just didn't have much to say.  Thanks to Connie, the blog has a fresh post and a great photo that was taken at the Andrea Boccelli Concert.
Enjoy...

Connie's Note:

As I get older, I realize that I have trimmed the fat when it comes to friends.  I still have my close-to-my heart friends that I’ve had, in one case for 60 years.  People I have met along the way, at different stages in my life journey, became friends-of-the moment. Good friends, some I still keep in touch with.  But the close-to-my-heart friends remain constant and few.  Once and a while, someone walks into your life and bam!  They become a close-to-my-heart friend.  Nancy is one of those to me.  We clicked, plain and simple.  As we started working together, we recognized our similar values, sense of humour  and outlook on life.  To me, it was the same excitement of a new love.  I loved to see her beautiful, smiling face, as she walked in the door at TGSL, laden down with all her bags.  I couldn’t wait to tell her what was new with me since the last time I saw her, or show her the latest pictures of my grandkids.  I anticipated her recounting her latest events, and it was always a lively exchange.  Every other Friday became Nancy day.  Then we stepped out of the work environment, and went shopping, or for a glass of wine.  We sat on my balcony or scrap booked at her apartment.  I was thrilled to be on her wedding guest list and was moved by the love and warmth of her family and other friends.  Nancy is a close-to-my heart friend.  I hope for miracles.  I pray for peace.  I thank God for bringing her into my life. 

xx

Just a thought.

The expression “everything happens for a reason” annoys and upsets some people because it suggests that our path is predetermined and that The Fates or God is in charge of our life. The idea that my beautiful, perfect, angelic mum is terminally ill with cancer, is meant-to-be is frustrating and unfair; but the reality of it is that we have no control over our outside world. So I choose to think “in everything I have to find my own reason”. Instead of asking “why did this happen to me?” I ask myself “What positive thing can I find in this?” By focusing on the positive of any situation (and trust me if you look hard enough you’ll find it) I help keep myself positive and happy.

I still remember what the lady at Wellspring said to me when we went into to get some help after mum's initial diagnosis.  I told her that I was upset because this massive unfairness in our lives has changed me indefinitely and that I would never be the same again.  She told me that we have not changed as a family nor have we changed as people...we are still the exact same as we were before all of this entered our life...the only thing that has changed has been our
situation...I wasn't planning on sharing this picture but it's just how we felt at the time.  We've had lots of laughs since this time....

The good wouldn’t be as sweet without the bitterness of the bad. You go through the tough times to strengthen you for the excruciating ones to come. It’s in experiencing these tough times where you will truly be able to live with gratitude for what you have that is good.

“Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.”

~Bob Marley